The princess has given birth to a boy, who weighed 8lb 6oz and is yet to be named, at 16:24 BST on Monday the 22nd July 2013. Mother and baby are both doing well and will stay in hospital overnight. Prince William was present at the birth. And that’s the news, isn’t it?
Except there’s more. Here I am in an outside broadcast somewhere sunny outside a pub in Berkshire where absolutely nothing out of the ordinary is happening. Although the “whole village is delighted” with the news, I am glad to report. If Kate were here with her family, apparently this is the pub they would come to – except she isn’t, so they don’t. Wait, here’s my news reporter doppelganger on the other channel standing in front of 10 Downing Street where absolutely nothing is happening. Oh, here comes the Prime Minister, who makes a statement to say that it’s all wonderful news and a great moment for Britain, the world and indeed the universe. He’s gone back inside now and nothing much is happening again. Have to say, good job we were here for that one!
Back to the studio for an important update. If the baby had been a girl, she would have been a direct heir to the throne, thanks to the recent changes in the rules of succession. Except it isn’t, so it won’t. But our reporter on the ground is pleased to report that the baby will be brought up in a “secure and loving environment”. I’m sure we can all rest easier now as I hand over to my colleague for other news (some stuff that matters)?
Meanwhile, many, many women are having babies all over Britain and the rest of the world, families are delighted and husbands / partners proud. And the earth keeps turning.
Beam me up Scotty!